So there I was sitting with Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, and Vishnu all together watching a game show eating cheese doodles.
Moses said, “Look at the way these people crawl over each other to win this stupid prize!”
There was a pause, as the group pondered and reflected. “Yes, stupid prize, yes, WORD be praised” was the general consensus with a few slightly nodding heads even.
“Yes, praise Word” You see, they had agreed amongst themselves to substitute the word “word” for “God” to avoid confusion and debate. However as you shall see, these things are not easily avoided with these guys.
“Hey, I’m sick of this show already,” said Vishnu, “change the channel! Change the CHANNEL!” he commanded with authority and much flailing of arms.
“Change the damn channel oh my GOD” groaned Vishnu, his four arms a blur of motion now.
There was another pause, this group mostly tended to do that. They paused almost every time these guys! This was a room full of deep pregnant pauses and slow careful thoughts before speaking. I caught myself watching a flower grow one time waiting for an answer, that’s how slow they could get. Patience young disciple, patience.
So I started inserting quick little humorous commercials in between their pauses, as a joke one time, they didn’t like that at ALL and Vishnu even slapped me with three of his four hands in rapid succession, so I stopped.
Alright then, I thought. Here we go… It’s ON now, here we go, but Jesus intervened saying “Look, I just got down off that cross somehow, in this alternate reality, can you guys quit with the bickering please! The wounds here they are still healing basically, so basically shut the fuck up! all you guys! Stop your bickering and be grateful you’re not nailed up on a wooden cross like I was, DAMN!”
It was a little unusual for Jesus, actually, to say “DAMN!” like that.
Ok well, alternate reality, remember?
In the end, the group settled on a documentary by Werner Herzog. Which was almost universally praised. Yes, we shall watch each and every one, he’s the bomb. Was the general consensus, so they did. One film after another they watched…perhaps inadvisably going backwards and ending with his earliest film which was probably the most likely to perhaps offend.
Maybe they really SHOULD have started with his first film and moved forward to his latest, after seeing “Cave of Forgotten Dreams” some of the earlier ones just fell flat.
Moses said he know the artist, Vishnu claimed to have painted them all himself. You know, these guys really just argued over every little thing. Who actually created the world, who is actually GOD and who is just a messenger, it was just endless with these guys.
Meanwhile as the God’s grew restless, the discussion began, as it always did, on the name for God. I mean the one MAIN name. The REAL name for “God”. This one ALWAYS stirred up a riot just to start things. Damn if I know why, but it does. These guys are almost Wrestling Stars in the ring when this one kicks in.
After that big scuffle it was always the same: Why are we fighting? and they would fight about THAT even! These guys! Imagine, I mean you wouldn’t PICTURE them like that right? Snarling and snorting at each other.
“So what is the most common stereotype for you guys? Chronologically, starting with Moses…”
“Well,” Moses stroked his beard, “of course with us Jews, people always think we’re stingy or money hungry, but we’re happy and we can sing happy songs so what do we care what you think? We’re happy, we sing songs! Truth is, we’re not always happy singing songs and some of us are extremely generous. Stereotypes are stereotypes and have little meaning”
Jesus stood up, “well, we Christians are always seen as preachy. People hate the way we thump our bibles and you know, generally find us annoying at times. Honestly, I’m pretty embarrassed and ashamed how the whole cult has gone. I didn’t really intend it to go this way and I certainly never stood up and told people to bow down and worship ME. Holy shit. I didn’t even write that book they’re following!”
Mohammed said, “we moslems are stereotypically seen as gas station or smog check owners and operators in America, and we’re generally associated with OIL nowadays, and man we’re really up against the machine aren’t we? I mean, between America and China, Jesus!”
“Yes?” answered Jesus.
Jesus perked up then, “Listen, Mo, lets not call my name out I really have a migraine from everyone calling out my name like that everywhere. JESUS! Why do they always call out my name like that? what the fuck?”
Did Jesus just say what I thought he said? Could he possibly cuss like that? He can’t really go to hell can he? He’s pretty much exempt from hell isn’t he? Why shouldn’t he cuss once in a while, get it off his chest? It’s a terrible burden what with the cross and all, but back to Mohammed.
“I really hate the way moslems are seen in the west as terrorists when that is such a minority globally. I never imagined anyone strapping bombs to their bodies like this. NOWHERE in my book (The Koran, available at amazon.com) will you find any mention of this bomb strapping? I’m really really against it you know, just for the record.”
What about Vishnu? maybe he should have gone first really, or Buddha, not clear on the chronology here just yet.
Vishnu and Buddha were strangely silent, perhaps feeling cheated or left out already, it really was hard to get a word in edgewise with this crowd, pauses or no pauses. Vishnu, still flailing his 12 arms about, was it twelve? Really just a blur, hard to count. Buddha in the lotus position floating of course.
Buddha would only smile, almost mockingly, almost smug. Sometimes he would suddenly and surprisingly snarl at you. From his lotus position.
“DAMN Buddha, can you please NOT do that? Damn. That’s creepy dude. Don’t snarl at me suddenly out of the blue like that, PLEASE!”
Vishnu and his arms.
“Listen, uh, guys,” I finally interrupted, “guys?”
Vishnu flailing his arms around in circles like a madman now, my turn to speak, my turn guys! he seemed to be saying.
Buddha, smiling and GAZING the way he does. Disturbing at times yes.
“Guys, look. I have this bucket of warm oil here, and I just thought, well, why don’t you all just strip down, and oil up your bodies, and just get physical with it? Wha’dya say?”
Long long pregnant pause. The longest of the day by far.
Finally, Moses spoke up, “Well. I think it’s a good idea. I think we should do it, what do you say Vish? You’ll probably have the advantage here…”
But Vishnu was already slathering his body with warm oil, chuckling and cocky.
“Well, since I’m already in my loin cloth here, bring it!”
Buddha was still on his lotus flower, but was now naked and fully oiled up, ready for action.
Moses, moving slowly and methodically began smearing himself.
It wasn’t long before there was this great pile of God’s, or demi god’s, depending on who you ask. Slithering and sliding they became very intense with much grunting and groaning. If you have ever seen a big pile of religious figures oil wrestling, you’ll know what I mean. At first it was light hearted, with much laughter and even a few embarrassing erections, but it soon descended into an all out brawl which was quite serious.
In the end, they all collapsed on their backs out of breath and strangely satisfied I think.
There they were, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and Vishnu, naked covered in oil panting for breath.
“Alright guys!” I said finally, “I got that all on video tape and I’m posting it to youtube.”