Live on the battlefield, NPR. Sound bytes of American Army General who is not happy.  Why is he not happy?  What could be wrong out there on the battlefield?

The Afghan division has gone off on their own ahead, the American allied commander guy is pissed,
he’s calling in the AERIAL HELL FIRE to the co-ordinates.

The Afghan rebels have a big machine gun likely to AMBUSH the Allied forces here, the American
is calling in the RAIN OF FIRE, or was it the AERIAL FIRE STORM, you know, they had a BOMB-ASS branding for it, oh man.

Millions in marketing was spent deciding on the name, it was spectacular branding.

The kind of branding that gives a soldier a hard on.

“Hey, Vicky, we need a name to REALLY describe the ESSENCE of the GUN FIRE they shoot from their,
you know, the jets, so it needs to be something FRESH, something NOW, something really catchy right.

Listen, Vicky we need this branding to REALLY pop, can you do it?  We need it next week, there’s a new offensive scheduled…

THESE guys, I mean, they have the budget trust me honey, money is NOT an issue, just get your whole team on this, and give us something HOT, probably with the word FIRE in it, that’s the only non-negotiable, they really insisted on the word FIRE in the brand.

They shoot REALLY far, and REALLY accurate these things, they just hit a button in the plane, or at Command HQ if its a drone, and this stuff, I don’t think the drones have THIS stuff, just the jets have it and WOW, it needs to also be VERY sexy Vicky, REALLY sexy.

Ok, I’ll send you over some footage, you can see it blowing up some Republican Guard, they really fried those guys at the push of a button Vicky, at the PUSH of a button, isn’t that sexy?  Could have been the spin of a knob, that’s very sexy now too.  You know, like something TECHNO, that’s hot, like these dj’s nowadays.

Knob twist, button push.  Not sure actually, button or knob, does it matter?  Just keep it sexy like that.

It should also have HELL maybe in the name, something something HELL FIRE, turbo maybe…you work on it, get back to me I trust you, make it POP.”

Back live with the reporter and the commanders.

“We’re bringin in the AERIAL TURBO HELL FIRE, hold your position Colonel!”

“The Afghans say they are better equipped to handle the situation, the co-ordinates are sent, the AERIAL TURBO HELL FIRE should hit any minute Dan, the co-ordinates are set.  Should hit, the spot there.  Nail the BOGIE.  But the Afghans are saying they should be the ones to go in and investigate, for the force here because they know best whether…”

American Commander is yelling, “That BLEEP BLEEP, BLEEP went off and started firing when I’m bringin in the BLEEP-ing THUNDER MISSION HELL FIRE Mother-BLEEEP.”

Damn, says the commander, hands on hips.


“UM, Commander, actually, its AERIAL TURBO HELL FIRE, do you copy?”

“BLEEP YOU, bring in the BLEEP-ing THUNDER MISSION RAINING HELL FIRE, you BLEEEPING, bleep bleep” then to the camera, “BLEEP!  Those dumb BLEEP bitches, ran off on their own when I’m here sending the BLEEEP-ing co-ordinates, MOTHER-BLEEEEEEP!

Newscaster:  “So, we’re just sitting here, waiting now, we’re waiting Tom, the Commander is clearly
unhappy with the performance of the Afghan Division they seem to be firing, wildly and…may be regarded right now as a loose cannon…in the…force ”


Cut to Actress describing her roll in the new Matt Daimon film.  As they walked thru on a tour
of Saddam Hussein’s torture chambers, the interview went on.  She said they talked to some troops in combat, yeah, they pretty much said wait til you hear some gunshots, then we’ll go find out what they’re about.  Listen for the shots, and then run TOWARDS them as quick as we can and get to the bottom of it.

That’s their job these local soldiers.

And so we went along with them and…yea, it feels a little strange running
TOWARDS the gunshot, they’re real but its kinda exciting like you’re a kid again, and playing those games right?

POW POW POW, and off they run with cameras and stuff swinging from their hips, these newscasters, TOWARDS the gunfire right.  Matt Daimon jumps out of a humvee and runs up to her and they’re making movies inside of movies, movies are rollin out now about this war.
What BETTER theme right?  Maybe turn the economy around right?  Wars are good for Americans right?  Unless you’re a soldier I guess.

Running TOWARDS the gunfire to go see what’s up.  Run off TOWARDS the gunfire.

“Now we are running TOWARDS the gunfire Tom, and, and, to see what’s UP…”

“Hey.  What’s up?” they might say when they finally find it.


“OKAY, we found it. OKAY.”




“Lets radio it in Earl, this is big, this is too big, Earl start the camera, we FOUND it…”


“We are now reporting from Kabol and we have FOUND the source of this most recent gunfire and…”

To Earl again, “wait, Earl, STOP camera.  I don’t know what to say, what do we do now?  Wait til they fire again I guess…hold on…wow, I just don’t know what to say I mean, I’m not seeing any action
here and…”

“Damn, not sure what to do now, we definitely FOUND It though because…”


“Ok, OKAY! start camera EARL!  “yes, we are,” POP POP, “we are reporting live from Kabul and…”

I wonder if they get in the way of the troops sometimes, like OOFF, damn, another NEWSLADY,
DAMN, seriously, can you please NOT LEAP out in front of me with that BLEEP-ing microphone,
when I’m, when I’m, can’t you see I’m…. BLEEEEP”


or was it HELL CAT FIRE STORM?  My personal favorite, AERIAL BARRAGE.

“FUCK, Coronel, you guys just sit tight, we’re bringin in the AERIAL HELL CAT FIRE STORM.
Seriously, we’ll take this one, just sit tight on it.  I don’t want you BLEEP marines gettin
BLEEP up yer BLEEP when these guys bust out that BLEEP machine gun.

I think one “Fuck” slipped through, oops.  I love when media does that.  I think
they try NOT to, and are probably fined for it when they do.  A red light goes off
at FCC.  “HAROLD! Will ya look at THAT!!”

think you are BLEEEEP.  Look, THERE, you let one Bleep slip through, BLEEEEEP”

“Oh man, Scott, wow,  you know I JUST missed that bleep button, I”m so BLEEEP-ing sorry Scott,”
the censor button operator might say from the bleep button room.

“BLEEEP, thing  jammed on me, BLEEEEP, I’m sorry Scott. I know, I know.”

“LISTEN HAROLD, one more STUNT Like that, and I’m hiring a BLEEP-ing chimp to press the BLEEP-ing  Bleep button, do you here me???  DO you read me Harold?  AND that one’s gonna cost ya, I have to fine ya this time Harold.  Harold, how much are they payin ya?  How much are they payin yoo at that station, really kid. I Heard some of you guys are makin six figures, can you PRESS the BLEEEEP-ing  Bleep button when there is BLEEEP-ing profanity on your broadcast. Can you do that for me? JUST that?  BLEEP!”

“But Scott, it was a technical malfunction, I can send you the user logs, I hit the BLEEEEP button 33
milliseconds BEFORE the cuss, and there was a flash of nudity, when there SHOULD have been combat
and listen, it won’t happen again, we’re on there asses, there I said it, we’re on their ASSES ok.
My staff is going to HEAR about this, it wasn’t even me actually, my staff lead assistant, who was OPERATING
the bleep button at the time of the incident, was  not ABLE to hit the button actually
JUST In the nick of time, that piece of SHIT, if he had just hit that button about 32 milliseconds earlier,
we wouldn’t even be HAVING this conversation.  Cut me some slack you BLEEP-hole.  Do you know
how long my staff works, we are UP all night EVERY night, and we are MONITORING, we are MONITORING I tell you EVERY BLEEEP-ing station, and not just that one, EVERY BLEEP-ing ONE and…”

“Shut the BLEEP up Harold.  There’s no excuses and you will get ON it.  DO NOT give me your long
list of BLEEEEP-ing excuses you BLEEEEP.  There is ONE task, and one task ONLY that you,  and your
fuckedup organization is in charge of, and THAT is hitting that BLEEEPing BLEEP button, and you can’t just
BLEEEP-ing hit it?

I will BLEEEP that button up your BLEEEP-ing BLEEEEP, and don’t BLEEEP with me Harold.
Don’t BLEEEP-ing BLEEP with me.  Harold, that’s it, press the BLEEPing thing, press  it GOOD,
press it hard, press it true, and do NOT BLEEP with me you BLEEP.”

Afghan’s say its just a teenage boy it turns out.

Wait, did you guys hit the button for that air strike already! Damn…

Different button.